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Thread: Some question on "written english"

  1. #11
      jamsus is offline
    Guild Novice jamsus's Avatar
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    Dec 2010
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    Okay, in the middle of first exam war :p, i can paste here a little bit of a dialogue between characters :

    ***

    Before the dialogue part, there is a description of the magnificent Riverdale, then
    the chapter continue with...

    Witmore was so charmed by the mystic sight, thathe did not hear
    someone was approaching to the terrace.
    "After a while, you resist the enchantment," said a crystal, gentle
    voice of a woman.
    "Some spells do not deserve to be resisted, don't you think lady
    Dirian?"
    Witmore heard the moment of silence for the surprise, then
    turned. It was a breathtaking view also on that side. An elegant
    young girl, dressed in a dark green silk, that run down her
    perfect body holding her breast as if on an emerald altar,
    draped with copious brown curls, as her eyes. Really breathtaking.
    "Forgive my rudness, but I did not think that I presented before,
    sir..."
    "Sir Witmore of Connington. It's a pleasure to meet the beatiful
    daughter of lord Morgante," said Witmore, taking her hand to kiss.
    "I preferred when you have called me with my own name, sir
    Witmore. Don't you feel more unique when someone call your own
    name, ya?"
    That woman was playing superbly her ascendant.
    "To be honest, lady Dirian, what crazy man would think that a
    creature like you is not already unique by itself?"
    An instant of quiet, then a servant from the hallway announced that
    the dinner was ready, and she almost made to go, but Witmore was
    still standing, staring at her.
    "Is it allright sir?"
    "Oh sorry, lady Dirian, is still the effect of the spell. Go ahead, I
    follow."
    The daughter of the lord smiled and turned,
    "Ah, and do not forget," said Witmore a moment later, "i still
    need to be called by my own name, I haven't your precious gift."
    Witmore also felt himself an excellent player.


    Let me know (sorry for some grammar mistakes, but i dont care too much about them)

    critics on the structure\sense of phrases is what i'm looking for,
    negative & positive comments

    Thank you all, again
    Last edited by jamsus; 02-01-2011 at 08:00 AM.
    Even on the most exalted throne in the world we are only sitting on our own bottom.

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