Working on a publication: Kaidan

[Gamerprinter]

So yesterday I started working on a document to represent the Alpha rules for Kaidan. I mostly created placeholder pages for the intended content. This version while missing key pages like table of contents, license and credit page, I'm currently focusing on the necessary content in the order they will be presented - so this is barely a start. But it is close to final form, at least in design and layout. Need more illustrations of course, but its progress still.

Note the page numbers are all screwy, but I was removing existing placeholder pages, and as I started this more final version, I was duplicating existing pages then changing the titles, content and illustrations. I see at least 2 more weeks putting this together, so unless I include an abridged version, this won't make it for The Gift Part 1 release in 8 days.

Actually I have to stop doing this and start formatting The Gift Part 1 in a similar style, but at least that content is already complete. I just have to put it together all "pretty like".

This is a PDF file, so not as user-friendly for the forum vs. an image attachment, but this is how the final format will be (file wise.)

Please critique and comment - I know not much there yet, but if you see critical errors, or content that should preceed what's there, tell me, please!

GP

I intended to make the Alpha as a free download so I don't mind posting this here - for now.

[Jykke]

Looks quite interesting. We have been playing "The Blossoms Are Falling" rpg, that is set to same Heian period. Kami etc play an important role in that game also, but in a different way. I hope the game comes together in a great way. Good luck with the project!

[Alfar]

Just a couple of things (and I know it's an alpha, but I figure you might as well fix it sooner than later).

- on Page 5, the karma table seems to list both actions that affect karma and how karma affects reincarnation. Since the two parts are very similar, it looks like you gain +20 karma by reincarnating to a higher caste. That's obviously not the intended meaning. I'd split the table in two, one for "Actions affecting karma" and one for "Karma's effect on reincarnation"

In the same table, it looks like there's not the same spacing between the 4th and 5th row as between the other rows. The same goes for the currency equivalents on page 7.

On page 7, there's a couple of typos. An extra 'n' in paid(n) in the last line of the first column; and a missing 'a' in equiv(a)lents. in the table header in the second column.

On page 8 (the first one, you have two), second column, second paragraph, leaders should be leaders', since it's a possessive.

On the second page 8, first column, last paragraph, settings should be settings'.

That's it for a quick skim-through. Looks pretty good, I'd say.

[Gamerprinter]

It will be proofed by professionals before publication, so I'm not that worried about spelling and grammer at the moment - I know there are a few typos.

@ Alfar - your comment about splitting the table, I'll have to look at it and see what you mean, but this is the kind of critiques I'm really looking for

As I update it, I hope to get more critiques like this.

For now, though I'll be working on the adventure module itself, to get it ready for publication next week - and I won't be posting that here!

Thanks!

GP

[Steel General]

One thing I noticed right away is on page 2 in the 3rd paragraph it starts by saying "Kaidan is an archaic Japanese word". Then the last sentence starts with "Kaidan is an older word".

Seems to me that might be a bit redundant, but english was never one of my better classes.

There are a couple of typos and maybe a few other grammatical errors, but overall it looks pretty good so far.

[Gamerprinter]

OK, the next update to the Kaidan RPG alpha rules.

I did some corrections and created some new errors (yay!) There's one cut off sentence, I was trying to remove entirely, but missed a part. I completed the races section and began working on the classes. So far, mostly reflavored fluff for standard classes like barbarian and bushi (fighter), I stopped at Hatamoto, as though I have generated the stat and progression table already, I haven't created all the fluff for that class yet.

It looks like the adventure publication is not going to make the original deadline of August 13, it may be up to a week later, before it hits the "PDF bookshelves", but I'd rather have a perfected product, than one rushed out to meet a deadline.

The alpha rules is intended to be included free with The Gift adventure one, lets see if I can get this document done by that time - doable, but still a tall order to maintain.

http://www.gamer-printshop.com/kaida...ha-partial.pdf

Critique, suggest and enjoy!

GP

[msa]

EDIT: Gah, I read the old version and not the new one. Naturally, you already made all the changes I suggested. Ignore my chattering!

My only feedback now is regarding page 4, paragraph 4. It reads like you are saying here that made up races like the nezumi and naga have been eliminated. Later, you mention nezumi in the hengeyokai section and naga in the ryujin section. Maybe this paragraph could be toned down a little bit to something more like: races like naga and nezumi... presented in Oriental Adventures... have been integrated with more traditional Japanese folklore...

Please critique and comment - I know not much there yet, but if you see critical errors, or content that should preceed what's there, tell me, please!

I have a couple small comments, most of which are just about presentation or tone. I won't claim that any of them are actually right, nor would I think that this wouldn't be fab if you didn't follow my suggestions.

Page 4, paragraph 1, sentence 2: I would steer clear of the implication that other games were wrong about Sugenja, and instead work with the claim that you are looking at them (and Japanese fantasy) from a different darker angle. Heroic fantasy is full of "mistaken" interpretations, like the fantasy of noble Arthurian knights, honorable John Wayne cowboys, or gentle and sagely Wicca Druids. In reality, most knights, cowboys, and druids were jerks, but that doesn't make for good heroic fantasy. Both interpretations have a place, and you are going with the darker, antihero version instead of the heroic version. There's no reason to alienate the other camp, though.

Page 7, paragraph 1, sentences 1 and 2: I think for most people, the fact that this is set in the feudal period of Japanese history is more important that the actual dates. For most readers, those dates are going to be meaningless. As a result, I would use the second sentence as the later half of the first sentence, and move the part with the dates in the second sentence. Ie:

Although Kaiden is a fictional setting, compared to the Japanese timeline it sits in the birth of the feudal period and the rise of the war lords. Historically, this occured at the end of...

I really like this, by the way. I think the gothic horror version of a Japanese FRPG, especially with your references to modern popular horror like the Ring, is very compelling. I also like your treatment of the Ainu and the chastes in your system. Great work!

[Gamerprinter]

Yeah, I changed some of that up already, especially regarding the dates and the timeline thing.

Someone else posted that "the differences" I posted in the first version is not specific enough, so either be more specific or remove it entirely. So I got more specific - and this time said, "I'm taking the notion back to its authentic Japanese roots, rather than saying they are 'wrong' or anything ilke that."

Nezumi as the "ratling" race is gone. Nezumi is the Japanese word for "rat". Among the various hengeyokai (shape-changer races) are the "nezumi" type. This is not a contradiction. I'm just trying to infer that a shape-changing race including rat shape-changers exist in Kaidan. For all those Japanese named hengeyokai races, the Japanese name refers to the actual animal. Thus a "mujina" is a badger, not necessarily a badger hengeyokai, such is the same for "nezumi" (again, not to be confused with ratlings.)

I'm glad you like the direction Kaidan, is going - its a fun project thus far!

GP

[msa]

Nezumi as the "ratling" race is gone. Nezumi is the Japanese word for "rat". Among the various hengeyokai (shape-changer races) are the "nezumi" type. This is not a contradiction. I'm just trying to infer that a shape-changing race including rat shape-changers exist in Kaidan. For all those Japanese named hengeyokai races, the Japanese name refers to the actual animal. Thus a "mujina" is a badger, not necessarily a badger hengeyokai, such is the same for "nezumi" (again, not to be confused with ratlings.)

That's what I gathered, but I think it comes off a little odd because the language of "eliminating" is a little strong since they still get mentioned. That's why I was trying to suggest that you instead say something like "brought them in line with mythology".

It does look pretty rocking! I'm excited to see how you develop it.

[Gamerprinter]

Next update on the Alpha rules, I made those corrections MSA requested, as well as a suggestion from another board, plus I've introduced a fictional character to represent the "author" of some of the work. Tanaka no Hiroshi, a bard/monk who is educating the foreigners or "gaijin" to Kaidan. All scarlet text is Hiro giving an account. (Essentially the fluff is from his point of view.)

I've placed my first developed class the Hatamoto Samurai (Noble Caste) with complete progression table. Note this is the Alpha, no doubt changes will be made.

Anyway, check it out!

GP